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Post by Captain Juushiro Ukitake on Mar 14, 2023 3:37:43 GMT -6
Juushiro remained in the market square long enough to use his own reiatsu in tandem with Shunsui’s punishing whiplash of power, shielding the medical teams and taking away the physical edge of the assault. It wasn’t the point to harm more. Afterwards, as his friend started his lecture, he disappeared, using his remaining energy to visit another location. He remained there until he returned to his captain’s quarters to find Kita there.
He stopped in a rush of shunpo at the door and closed his eyes, letting his energy settle. He may have used more than he needed with this errand, but using more energy than necessary for another’s sake was too engrained in his nature. He could rest afterwards.
“I’m sorry that I arrived later than you, Kita. I didn’t mean to keep you waiting.”
“That’s okay. I wasn’t waiting long, and I don’t want you overdoing it by rushing for my sake.” She looked down into her lap. “I’m not worth it.”
“Many people I know would be sad to hear you say that,” Juushiro replied, taking a seat next to her and taking her hand, “including two little boys and a grown up boy. And I think a certain fox would complain about that bad habit, too.”
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Post by Kita Miyamoto on Mar 14, 2023 13:28:02 GMT -6
"It's not what they think about me. It's not even the strangers that are badgering me," she looked up from their hand, looking directly at Juushiro. "It's how I feel about myself right now. I know I am not a killer. I know I am not a bad person, but that is not how I feel about myself."
Her attention turned to the window that looked out over a garden. "I feel worthless, hopeless, and insignificant. I feel the overwhelming weight of guilt from what I have done, and I feel as if I am beyond help, and I have nothing to offer the world." Her attention turned back to Juushiro. "I feel as if I were to die right now everyone would be better off."
She watched Juushiro's look grow concerned. "Don't worry. I am not going to try and end my life. That's just stupid and solves nothing. Plus, it only causes pain for the people that care for me."
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Post by Captain Juushiro Ukitake on Mar 14, 2023 20:37:42 GMT -6
Juushiro shook his head, “No, Kita, that doesn’t reassure me. I’ve seen enough proof in my time as a captain to know that you don’t have to end your life to stop living or to become blind to the hope in the future. Perhaps because of your children you haven’t lost complete sight of the latter, but you’re not in a good place right now. That doesn’t mean you’re beyond help though.”
He took her other hand, giving her a moment to digest his words. “It’s alright, Kita. You don’t have to be strong all the time. You’re allowed to break down and even throw things when the world becomes too much. I’m sure that someone I know will start drinking his nights away when the situation calms down here.” She giggled slightly at that and Juushiro gave a small smile, letting her soak in the moment of happiness. “But when your coping methods aren’t helping you, then you need to go beyond that or you will shut down.
Now Ichimaru may be too much of a loner to accept help from anyone that’s not you — unless it’s through drowning or another semi-lethal beat down.” Kita giggled again and Juushiro wiped away another tear, “But you don’t have to heal the same way as him. He learned this on his own. You haven’t taken any of this journey alone, even if there were times it may have seemed that way. Don’t fight the darkness on your own. It will be much harder to heal yourself if you lock your emotions away. We put you there.” She opened her mouth to deny it, but Juushiro set a finger to her lips, shaking his head, eyes solemn. “Aizen might have found you and going back may have been inevitable, but we gave you the direction to take. We knew there wold be sacrifices. This is as much our responsibility as yours. Let us help you understand it enough to move on and bring your smile back.”
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Post by Kita Miyamoto on Mar 14, 2023 22:38:47 GMT -6
"Help me how?" Kita questioned, but pushed forward before Juushiro could say anything. "If it is what Izuru suggested, I have been thinking about that and I am going to have to pass."
"What did Lieutenant Kira suggest, Kita?" Juushiro asked her with an inquiring gaze.
"He said for me to stay here and see the Gotei's psychiatrist. However, I have three reasons that keep me from doing that," she lifted her hand and counted them off, "Sojiro, Kadaj and Gin. Gin being the major reason. Though I am sure if I'm allowed to stay here the boys will be allowed since they are innocents, but Gin..." she cast her eyes downward. "He's in no better shape than I am with the people here in the Soul Society, and you know Gin as well as I do, he will torment his aggressors to no end." Her head started to shake as she looked back at the captain. "And I won't stay here without my family and traveling back and forth will not suffice either."
She sighed, looking down at her hands again as she played with the hem of her outfit. "I sound like I am being difficult, and trying to avoid getting help," she looked up at Juushiro, "but I know I can't do this without my family. I need their support in this. They are my strength and remind me of the reason why I did all this in the first place, and they need me, and another reason. I just got Gin back and I will not allow anything to separate us for an extended amount of time."
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Post by Captain Juushiro Ukitake on Mar 15, 2023 0:28:59 GMT -6
“I have thought of that, and I would talk to Kisuke about it first to see if he’s okay with some of his family stepping away for a while, but if he is, come to my house with the children and Ichimaru."
He held up a hand to stall her protests. “It would be foolish to ask you to go anywhere without him. I already knew that. I have talked to Shunsui and my family. Shunsui agrees that you’re the priority and my family trust my judgement. They also know you have been a great help in keeping my illness at bay. As far as others are concerned when it comes to Ichimaru, I think you only need to worry about the Gotei. Ichimaru doesn’t need or want the acknowledgement of most people, and the elite of our force know both he and you were victims and on our side in this war. Eventually, others may see that as well. But his situation shouldn’t hinder your healing. If you need him in this, then that is what matters.”
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Post by Kita Miyamoto on Mar 15, 2023 1:53:47 GMT -6
Kita knew there was no other way for her to get the help she needed other than in the Gotei, but she did not want to inconvenience Juushiro and his family. So she thought of a proposal. Smiling warmly at him, her head shook slightly. "Thank you, Juushiro but I don't want my family to be a burden on your family." she quickly held up a finger before Juushiro could debunk her statement.
"We will do this with one condition."
"Oh," Juushiro chuckled lightly, "and what condition would that be?"
"I…We are allowed to help around your home and we are not to be pampered or coddled in any way. The last thing I need is Sojiro and Gin getting lazy and thinking they need to be waited on hand and foot. I know we will be guests in your home, but we have no idea how long my healing is going to take and I don't want to wear out our welcome."
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Post by Captain Juushiro Ukitake on Mar 15, 2023 19:46:36 GMT -6
Juushiro smiled at her simple request. "Don't worry about that too much, Kita. Although we do have some family retainers as a noble househould, they're treated as extensions of the family, much like the Shihoin treat theirs. My family is a large and hopeful one, and anyone who wishes to help around is more than welcome. The younger ones even make games out of their chores."
"As far as any living concerns, the estate has several detached houses on the estate since there are times I am ill and can only see a few people and we air out the houses afterwards. If you want to be alone, it will be easy to give you the space you need. But if the quiet is too much, then you will be welcome to join us. Just warn Ichimaru that if he starts hiding around too much, the youngest nieces and nephews will make a game of finding him again."
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Post by Kita Miyamoto on Mar 15, 2023 20:08:23 GMT -6
Kita nodded slowly, "I will talk to the family and see what they would like. I do know there are times I myself just want to be away from all the commotion, and Gin. Well, I would have to say the same with him since he does like to disappear and take refuge on the rooftops."
The two chuckled lightly, Kita then nodding her head. "I will talk to them when I return home. I am sure they will agree this is for the best. They all try so hard to help me, it's just not working. I don't know if it is what they are doing or saying or if it's just me." She smiled wearily at him her head nodding slowly. "I'm pretty sure it's just me."
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Post by Captain Juushiro Ukitake on Mar 15, 2023 20:28:07 GMT -6
Juushiro shook his head. "Don't be too harsh on yourself. You're trying, and with hurt this deep, the answer may not ever be easy to find. That doesn't make you a failure. Give yourself some time. I know you haven't had much of that in these past years, but hopefully, this time won't be the same. Focus on what makes you happy and then look for answers to your pain. Take one step at a time and stop to look outside."
Kita nodded, "my family, and my friends. That's where my happiness lies. My children and Gin are my very breath, my life. My soul." Her head shook. "I don't think I could ever live without them." She looked pointedly at Juushito as a tear trickled down her cheek. "I want to get better for them."
"Kita..." Juushiro reached over and wiped the tear away, taking her hands in his again. "This is not a hopeless journey. You're not alone and you have time to find your light again. If you can't believe in yourself right now, then believe in your friends. We won't leave you alone in this. It will be alright."
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Post by Kita Miyamoto on Mar 15, 2023 21:19:04 GMT -6
She nodded, her free hand lifting and wiping away the tears that fell. "I know. It just feels like a never-ending road for me. My emotional state has been damaged since day one of being in Las Noches and though Sumi locked it away. I was still healing from what I was aware of, and of course anything new that was added to my healing."
"I just want it all to be over with." more tears fell a whimper escaped her. "I just want to be me again."
Juushiro embraced her. "You've always been you. That didn't change. Remember that."
Burying her face in his haori she cried softly. "I don't feel like me."
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Post by Captain Juushiro Ukitake on Mar 15, 2023 22:18:41 GMT -6
Juushiro held her as she cried, relieved that she was letting out her emotions, saddened from the pain that continued to assault her even after the war had released them. He closed his eyes, praying that this would be the right step for the closure she needed, not another step that brought her more doubt. But at least, she had accepted his help.
"Then we will find her for you, one way or another. Put your faith in your friends. Stop trying to find all the answers alone and trust that you deserve peace."
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Post by Kita Miyamoto on Mar 15, 2023 22:42:16 GMT -6
After a few more seconds of crying, Kita gathered herself and calmed her emotions. Though she would never admit it aloud, having a good cry helped relieve some of the weight she had been feeling. However, it was time to push it all back once again and hold her head high. She needed to return home to talk to her family. She was sure they would not disagree with what she had decided, she just hoped that Gin would be on board with being in Soul Society. More so the Gotei.
Taking a tissue that Juushiro offered, she wiped her eyes and nose. "Thank you, Juushiro. Our talk has really helped with easing some of the weight I have been under and I am indebted to you for the invitation to your home for us to stay so I can seek help." She wiped her nose again. "I will talk to the family as soon as I return home." She slipped her tissue into her pocket. Returning her attention back to Juushiro. "Should I have Kisuke contact you and let you know what is going on and maybe talk of a date for our arrival?""That will be more than acceptable. My family will be ready to receive you whenever you're ready." Kita nodded and stood from her chair. She reached out and took Juushiro's hands in hers, leaned forward and softly kissed his cheek. "Thank you, Juushiro." she told him as she pulled back wearing a warm smile. "I will have Kisuke contact you as soon as our discussion is over so you know what is going on."
She watched Juushiro nod as she released his hands and stepped back, turned and walked toward the office door. Turning and looking back at him before she exited, she smiled and waved. "I can't say thank you enough." He smiled at her and waved her off. "It was my pleasure. Now go." Sliding the door open she exited the office and closed the door behind her, leaving Juushiro to his own, so she could return home.~END RP~ "Between the Pages"
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